*Ex-gay: The Blessed Mother´s apparitions gave me the way back






I was 17 when I learned that there was such a state as homosexuality and that homosexuals had their own bars. I was at once fascinated and frightened. My curiosity would not let me alone, so one afternoon I went to a dark dirty little bar and got picked up. In the midst of the thrill, it seemed that my whole being was accusing me of being the filth of the earth. I ran away after that experience, but two months later I went back. I never thought to go to confession or to get any help from anyone. 

I was a homosexual, and no one could help me except someone who shared my experience. That was the way I thought, and so I began to seek out those who were the same as I was. I became a regular at the bars that catered to the younger crowd, people with whom I thought I had more in common.


In college, I discovered the wonderful world of drugs: LSD, uppers, downers, marijuana, and anything else I could get my hands on to silence the noise in my head. I went away to school, but I would spend weekends with friends so that I could go to the bars. The bars were my life.


Needless to say, my grades suffered; I was a barely passing student. College was one big party, so I continued in it for seven years, until it was getting ridiculous for me to remain. With the drugs and the hiding of my sexual activity from my family, things were not really grand. Depression was a constant friend. I did not like myself, but the drugs and alcohol kept me from thinking about my situation too much – except in those rare moments when I wanted to kill myself.


I decided to go into hotel/restaurant work where the responsibility was nil and the money for a single guy was pretty good. An additional asset was that it was primarily staffed by gays with whom I could feel secure. I could also have the freedom to travel and work in different places around the country.


Being inclined to experimentation, I began to indulge in the more perverse forms of sexual activity. I did anything to please any possible lover. As time went on, it seemed that the gay culture as a whole was progressing in the same way. I was trying to keep up. This was my life for years; I was going from bad to worse. I was always looking for what I could never find, for it only existed in fantasy. The worst of the matter was thaI could not stop, as much as I tried. It seemed that my life was beyond my control. I began to hate myself for my inability to stop. No matter where I went or what I did, I could not escape the gay culture. It had me firmly locked in its grip. Sex -- or the search of it -- preoccupied my time entirely. Life had no meaning for me anymore. I felt that I could not have any normal friends without using them, nor have any friends who were not worth using. 

Death was becoming very attractive to me, but my Roman Catholic upbringing would not let me do any violence to my life. I began to emotionally withdraw into myself, occasionally picking up a prostitute to fulfill a fantasy.


I really wanted out of this life. One day in 1987 while waiting on my boss´ s wife and some of her woman friends, I caught bits and pieces of a conversation they were having about apparitions, the Blessed Mother, and a place called Medugorje. Not knowing what they were talking about, but eager to find out, I began to give them excellent service to try to understand what was going on. When her husband came in to say hi to them, I swore to myself that no one was getting any more food until someone told me what this was all about. I cornered my boss outside the room and asked him about Medugorje. When he told me about the messages from the Mother of God, I immediately began to put all of them into action.


Not having been to church in 23 years, I went out and bought myself a rosary and from that day on began praying it and praying in church for three hours every day. That day was the last day that I touched any drugs, permitted myself any sexual activity or, except moderately on special occasions, took any alcohol. I stopped watching television and began in earnest to study my faith. I read about meditation and began to practice it. Within two weeks, I moved back in with my parents; I gave them back the son I had killed so many years before. 

Shortly after that I received the grace of a “conversion experience.” Some call it being “born again.” Whatever you want to call it, I was introduced to the Lord of the Living. I became alive in my heart. I knew what it meant to love again, and I wanted only to live the messages of the Blessed Mother at Medugorje. I have been going to Mass and receiving Holy Communion daily these past five years. Every day I spend time in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament and pray 15 decades of the Rosary. Where once there was only self-indulgence, now there is a life of prayer.


At the Courage International conference in 1990, I became convinced about the merits of Courage, and afterwards I was instrumental in getting a chapter started in my own city. I am still going strong and looking for ways to get the message of Courage out to all the gay areas. My love for Jesus Christ keeps growing.


There was a time in my youth when I was in love with life, so to speak. Now I have found the Author of that life, and I am the more deeply in love with Him for the life He gave back to me and the power He gave me to say no to the life I used to live, but now detest. I thank Him for the Blessed Mother´s apparitions that gave me the way back and showed me how to keep that freedom. I look back on the life I lived with deep remorse, as it was 23 years of living a LIE. But thanks to Jesus and Mary, I am now living the TRUTH and loving every moment of it. My prayer is that I might do all I can to help others out of that lifestyle. Courage is one way, and we who are members of Courage need to help each other find ways to reach out and help our brothers and sisters struggling with same-sex attractions.


Pat – New Orleans