August 17, 2013
“Steve, look closer into my hands…very close. I want you to find your name. The Father has everyone’s name written on His palm, but I only have those who are in me written in mine. I am the Lamb, and this is My book of Life. Now look and tell me what you see.” -excerpt, My Name Was Not There
MY NAME WAS NOT THERE
By Lyn Leahz ©2013
The day had been long, boring, and
pointless as far as I was concerned. I woke up, got dressed, rushed
around to get ready, went to work, came home and did absolutely nothing
at all. I understand some days like this are nice, but too many of them
aren’t.
I was raised a Christian
from my youth, always listening as grandma and mom sat around and
shared stories from their past; stories about God, Jesus, and the second coming. Mom and dad had sent me to an old-fashioned Baptist church
where the Word of God was hammered into my mind. Every week we had a
new scripture memory verse, and if you got it right, you were given some
sort of prize; candy, stickers, a bookmark, you name it. Door to door
evangelism was a big deal. Get out there and win the lost at any cost,
as the banner behind the pulpit read.
As I grew older, Jesus took the back seat.
It was somewhere during my teen years that He got off at the nearest
stop and left. I remember a lady telling me once, “Jesus didn’t get out
and leave…you got off the bus and left Him!” Somehow, that never seemed
true…or maybe it was; I can’t remember. I was too busy partying with my
friends, worrying about what girls I could date, and impressing people. I
don’t really know where Jesus was to be honest.
I glanced up at the clock; it was already
midnight. I had to get up early and needed to get myself ready for bed. I
could already feel the beginnings of a headache working its way
throughout my brain.
The bed never felt so nice, and nothing
seemed wrong with me, really. How would I know the most bizarre,
frightening thing was going to happen once my head hit the pillow? I
couldn’t. I mean, would you know? When you’ve felt fine all day long,
and you lie down and think to yourself, “Man, the bed feels great!” And
you close your eyes, would you ever think to yourself, “What if I die
tonight? Where will I go? Will I get a second chance?”
I wasn’t thinking it, but it happened.
There was this feeling I can’t describe. I
don’t know, like my ears were ringing and I felt nauseous. I saw this
hideous looking being and he spoke, but his mouth didn’t move. I was
horrified beyond horror, and I didn’t know what to do. I kept thinking,
“This is just a dream. I’m going to be okay. I’m having a really bad, bad
dream.” Except it didn’t feel like a dream, nor did it look like a
dream. I was looking down at myself, but didn’t see the detestable demon
anymore, and it was as if I was peering through a haze, a thin haze.
Suddenly, and this all happened in a matter
of seconds, I was in this place, a place that mere words cannot even
begin to describe. The only thing I can say is that it was really big,
and I landed on this floor, yet there was no floor there. It was like an
endless sea of glass,
and below it was nothing but stars and planets. I was enamored with
this surge of electricity that was so powerful, it was as if everything
was literally being sucked right out of me. I could hear singing in the
distance, beautiful singing, like thousands of voices really far away
and instruments I’ve never heard in my wildest dreams. There were
noises, smells, and colors that were foreign. I wondered what kind of
bizarre fantasy I was living in my sleep, and just wanted it to be over
with.
That was when a loud voice shattered the
silence. Every dead body on earth, and that has ever been on earth,
could have essentially been raised from the dead by this loud,
thunderous sound. I glanced up from where I was kneeling and saw
light…lot’s and lot’s of light, and that’s where the voice came from.
Before I had time to think about it further, a man stepped out from the
light, and I recognized Him as Jesus, although He looked nothing like
the Jesus we are taught on earth.
He radiated love, but anger at the same
time…righteous anger! I became aware that I was filthy, and I felt so
small and unimportant; in fact, everything was suddenly unimportant.
Nothing mattered. Why I was here didn’t matter. All of the money in my
savings and checking account
didn’t matter. Whether or not I had let the dog out before I lay down
didn’t matter. All was forgotten, and for this moment, I was smaller
than an ant.
His voice was drenched in love, but
judgment all at the same time. It is hard to explain because there is
nothing like it, really. I felt guilty and ashamed. Though when I
finally spoke, I did what they taught us to do in the Baptist church and
quoted scripture. I know it was silly of me, but I did it anyway, I
guess an act of hopelessness. I felt condemned, convicted of a crime,
and sentenced all at the same time.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus!” I desperately cried out.
Jesus came over to me and knelt down, opening up His hands before me to reveal His wounds. “That’s right, Steve. There isn’t any condemnation for those of you who are IN me.” he paused.
“Steve, look closer into my hands…very close. I want you to find your name. The Father
has everyone’s name written on His palm, but I only have those who are
in me written in mine. I am the Lamb, and this is My book of Life. Now
look and tell me what you see.”
It all made perfect sense now–the Lamb’s Book of Life! Jesus is the lamb, and the life He gave is in His blood…His death and resurrection!
With all of my might, I studied real hard,
though I could only make out a bunch of weird symbols and shapes that
looked like foreign languages. But these symbols weren’t in the normal
flesh of His hands, they were all part of His wounds. I mean, the
strange markings were etched into the wounds in His hands, if that makes
any sense.
Confused, I glanced up, “I don’t understand.”
Jesus looked very sad, and a tear streamed
down His cheek. “That’s right, son. Those who are in me understand when
they look into the book of life; they can clearly see their name. What
you see is a bunch of foreign writing, and it makes no sense. That is
because, Steven, you are not in Me. Therefore, you are condemned!”
From out of nowhere, a heavy weight fell
upon me! I mean, there wasn’t really a visible thing that came down on
top of me, it was a feeling. I could hardly breathe, and I was
frightened…mortified! What could I say? I was talking to Jesus
Christ, and He knew everything. He had just told me that I was
condemned, and as if lightning had struck beside me, I buried my face
within His feet.
“But Jesus, what about that time in church
when I went up front and asked you into my…” Jesus held up His left
hand as He stood to His feet, and I knew I was to silence myself.
“Son, I am going to show you different
scenes from your life. Right now, you’re going to witness with Me the
life of Stephen Meander. I want you to watch and listen, and know that I
love you; but you are not Mine. You took My gift foolishly, not really
meaning it in your heart. It was no more to you than a candy bar, after
you’ve tasted the sweetness inside. When you’re finished, you toss it
into the trash.”
“But Lord….” Instantly, as the guilt
flooded my being, my voice came to a halt when 3-D images of people
began filling the room; it appeared they were really there with us!
I saw myself. I was at the grocery store,
where there was an old lady behind me shoving her cart into my legs. I
remembered that! I was mad and thought she was rude for being that
impatient. Suddenly, I could hear the voices and the thoughts of
everyone present. I could actually hear the thoughts of the old woman I
ended up yelling at and cussing out.
“Oh dear, my heart is racing! Am I
having a heart attack? I’ve got to get home quickly before something
happens to me! Did I take my blood pressure meds this morning? Oh dear, I
can’t remember! I feel as if I’m going to pass out! Help me God, I am
afraid!”
I never knew this is what the woman was thinking. How could I have known? I couldn’t have.
“Hey, lady! Quit shoving your blasted cart
into me! Don’t you know that’s rude?” I shouted, while shaking my head
back and forth in disgust.
I was so ashamed in the presence of Jesus
as we watched these transactions in my life. I glanced over at Him from
time to time, but His face only radiated sadness.
The scene had changed, and the lady was
sitting at a traffic light. Just as she accelerated to go through the
intersection, her head slammed forward against the steering wheel.
People leapt from their cars, running to go see what had happened.
Then a man shouted, “Someone! Call 911! This woman is dead! I think she’s had a heart attack!”
When it all stopped, Jesus was in front of
me again staring down gravely, and I said the only thing I knew to say,
“Oh, I had no idea….” a feeble attempt to explain.
Jesus answered, “No, you weren’t aware.
But son, you didn’t do what you were supposed to do. You sinned on many
levels here. You were rude and thoughtless to her. You cursed her. And,
finally but most importantly, you didn’t tell her about Me.”
Jesus paused as He paced a full circle around me, and I was much too guilt-ridden and filthy to look Him in the face.
“Steve, she went to Hell. I had just sent
someone to her a few weeks prior, and she was thinking about turning her
life over to Me. All you had to do was show her love, and say something
about Me. For example, “Jesus loves you!” or, “Ma’am, do you know Jesus
Christ? Because He loves you so much, and I feel an urgency in my
spirit to tell you about Him.”
“But Lord, I didn’t feel anything except for anger and annoyance! There was no urgency in my….”
Jesus interrupted, “Of course you didn’t
feel anything, Stephen. because you were angry, and you were not in Me!
Had you been in Me, you wouldn’t have been angry, and you would have
clearly heard the voice of the Holy Spirit urging you in your heart. The
anger of man does not please the Father, Stephen. You know this! You
learned it in church.”
There was absolutely nothing I could say
or do. Jesus was right and I knew it. Of course, being God in the flesh,
He was always right.
Once again, the film began rolling. This
time, I was talking to a girl, the girl I had a big crush on, Sam. She
was upset about something, and all I cared about was getting her in bed.
“My dad is so mean to me, Steve. He threatens me, and sometimes I think he would really kill me.”
I was somewhat sympathetic, but I think at
that moment, I had my mind-set on ‘other’ things. “I’m sorry, baby. It
can’t be that bad. Just get away from him when he’s like that and it’ll
all be okay.”
I recalled how insecure Sam was; she was a
people-pleaser. It was easy to take advantage of her because she just
wanted people to like and accept her.
I moved in for the kill, showing her my
concern with a kiss. Sam, of course, thought I was kissing her because I
was trying to make her feel better, but I knew I was kissing her to
make someone else feel better…myself!
One thing led to another, and you know–yeah. Jesus didn’t make me watch any of that. I was relieved. I mean, who wants to watch that in front of God? Not me.
Now I was on my phone, and I remembered
the call when Sam sheepishly explained that she had to move away, far
away. I never saw her again. I would miss her, but only physically. I
had always wondered what happened to her. We were only teenagers.
Now the scene changed and I was seeing Sam
at home with her dad. He looked really wicked, his face all red and his
eyes bulging out. He was cursing and throwing things at her violently.
Sam was crying as she frantically ran from him. She locked herself in
her room, and I could see her kneeling by her bed.
“Please, God! Please help me! Save me from
this, Lord! Just help me!” She looked absolutely mortified as tears
poured from those pretty blue eyes.
Her dad kicked the door in, “If you go
near that boy again, I will put you six feet under! Do you hear me? You
are nothin’ but a lousy tramp, just like your mama! I’ll beat that demon
out of you, you whore!”
I thought, “So that was the reason Sam just ‘suddenly’ moved. Her dad wanted her away from me!”
Now I was seeing a new scene in the virtual reality drama; Sam just a little bit older, maybe a year or two. She was frantically screaming,
throwing chairs and anything else she could get her hands on at her
dad. Without warning, he whipped out a handgun and shot her, blood
flying everywhere, when it abruptly came to a stop.
The movie stopped, though not soon enough,
and I saw Jesus again. “Stephen, Sam went to Hell, and she went to Hell
a miserable young adult. She cursed Me because she believed I did not
love her because of her father. I would have used her in a miraculous
way to help girls like her. She chose to serve the kingdom of Hell, and I
couldn’t help her. You were all given your own free will. She continued
partying and having sex with different boys, and doing drugs. I spoke
to her in so many ways, even moved people into her path, but that’s all I
could really do. You had only been out of church for a few years at the
point you knew Sam. Why did you not tell her about me instead of
committing fornication with her?”
I was speechless. I knew the answer, and
so did He, but He wanted me to admit it. “Because, Lord! I was selfish!”
I was sobbing so hard, I had never cried like it before in my life. I
felt like a mere puddle, or a layer of dust on someone’s old tattered
shoes. I never knew these things…none of these things!
“Jesus, how could I have known? I was a boy, thinking about the birds and the bees like most boys do. Please Jesus…”
“Stephen, you knew better! In fact, you
knew more than most. Why, Stephen? Why did you not put to death the
flesh so that you and others could indeed live? You called My name in
your youth, yet you walked away, only thinking of Me from time to time,
but quickly forgetting. Why, Stephen? Did you not know how much I love
you?” His stare cut through me. I had never seen eyes like His…eyes that
appeared to be reading your insides! There were no secrets, no
deceptions, and no darkness. Everything was laid out in the light before
the throne of God.
I couldn’t fathom a single excuse, and not
a word could be uttered, other than, “Forgive me, Lord. I am guilty. I
am so guilty and ashamed, Jesus!” My voice sounded like a resounding old
horn on a junkyard scrap car. It wasn’t good enough, and nothing I
could say or do could make it any better. It was too late.
Jesus glanced away momentarily at someone,
or something, and nodded gravely. He announced, “His time is over. Go
ahead and take him. He now realizes what he has done.”
A creature stepped forward, an ugly,
vehement looking creature, and it snarled at me like I was his late
night supper. He snorted with each thud of his big, cloven feet as he
leaned over and clutched my shoulder in his fist. “Come on disgusting
human! I’m taking you home…” he cackled wickedly.
I looked over at Jesus, but all I could
see was his back. He wasn’t leaving me, He just stood still…perfectly
still…I was leaving him.
As loud as I could, I cried out, “No! Jesus! Please! In the name of Jesus, let go of me! Get behind me devil, in Jesus name!”
It was then that I awoke on the floor next
to my bed. I was soaked in cold, wet sweat. I reached up to cradle a
sharp pain when I discovered a lump on my head, apparently from where I
had fallen, though there was nothing around me that I could have bumped
my head on except for the thickly padded carpeted floor. My heart raced a
million miles a minute, and I had to lie there motionless before I
could move. Slowly, I sat up, glancing around into the thick darkness of
my room, unsure where I was, and foggy about what happened–whether or
not it happened at all. I was sure it had happened–it had to have happened! It was too real!
I stood up, my gait unsteady, and headed
for the kitchen to get a drink of water. I set the bottle down and
stumbled out to the couch in the living room where I knelt down and
bowed my head.
My voice shaky, I said, “Father, in the
name of Jesus, I repent for this life I have lived. I have not been
living in you, or for you. I have been shown your mercy, and I humble
myself in your magnificent presence. I’m sorry, Father. Please forgive
me. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this trouble to get my
attention. I truly call upon you right here and right now as Lord and
Savior of my life! Cleanse me from all of my sin and filthiness! In
Jesus name!”
I wept, and I prayed on my knees for what
must’ve been well over an hour before I went to bed. The next morning, I
was determined to tell everyone I could about Christ, and to not allow
myself to get so angry when people were rude to me, or thoughtless. In
fact, I was determined to spread the love of Jesus everywhere my feet
took me.
You see, this life isn’t about me, and
really, it’s not about you either. It’s all about Jesus. God made us for
His glory, not for our own, but for His. We can sit around and say that
it’s not fair and deny it all day long. But the only reason you live,
and move, and breathe, is because God made you! He allowed this being
called ‘you’ to exist in the first place.