My testimony is my “Magnificat of Praise” for all the Lord has done for me, holy is His Name.
I am the second oldest of four children and the only daughter of Irish immigrant parents. My family
was somewhat religious, and I attended 16 years of Catholic schools, including an all-girlsʼhigh
school and a college of mostly women.
My Dad was an alcoholic; he did his best but had a temper and was sometimes rough with my
brothers. I cannot remember seeing any affection between my parents, and the times my Dad
told me that he loved me, he was drunk.
My family history had a big impact on my emotions. I learned not to feel and not to talk about
my feelings. I ended up feeling different and separate from others, and I had to unlearn those
patterns for true emotional growth to take place.
In my early years I played almost exclusively with boys (my brothers and neighbors), as there
were few girls around.
I remember that as a child I never dreamed about future marriage or children and, as a teen,
I felt disconnected to other girls.
As I grew, I experienced attractions and crushes on boys my age, but I also experienced rejection,
hurtful teasing, and vile come-ons from males. I learned to feel afraid of them. There is also a
vague fearfulness that seemed to be linked to a blocked-out memory of possible abuse.
When learning about family alcoholism, I heard the statistic that daughters of alcoholics marry
alcoholics. I remember exactly when and where I was when I vowed that this would not happen to
me. Years later, in Courage, I learned that this “unconscious vow” helped explain the development of
my SameSexAttraction feelings.
Since I was a spiritual kid, it is fortunate that my family attended church and prayed at home. I
began attending my parish charismatic prayergroup at age 15. God used this movement to begin
healing me of fears and shyness, to open me to receive affection, and to learn how to share
with others. Most importantly, I came to know Jesus in a deeper way and began to serve Him.
After about ten years in prayer meetings, God led me to start dealing with my family alcoholism
issues through a twelve-step group. I became familiar with the twelve steps and began learning
how to take care of and share my feelings. I learned the basic skills of living life on its own
terms, especially learning how to forgive.
I began to be more aware of my SSA feelings in my late teens, but I still tried to deny this,
designating it a “normal phase.” In college I noticed I had “radar” about who might be “gay.”
I had gay friends who told me I was gay but I just didnʼt know it yet.
At age 30, my SSA feelings became much stronger. I developed emotional dependencies
on some female friends and went through strong grief reactions when these ended.
While at twelve-step meetings, lesbians shared more openly with me than with others. They
seemed to sense that I was on their wavelength.
At this point, a coworker who knew about my same-sex attractions went into a lesbian relationship
herself. This upset me. My boss moved me to the desk next to hers and this complicated
things immensely! I have come to see events like this as Godʼs sense of humor (on the days when
Iʼm not seeing them as attacks by the Evil One!).
I was subjected to her daily hot phone calls to her lover about wardrobe and evening activities.
It was really making me crazy, so I took a very important step. Homosexuality was being mentioned
everywhere in the media and in my life, so I decided to let God work in this area of my life. I
gave Him permission to deal with this secret area that I barely acknowledged to myself, let
alone to Him.
All heaven broke loose! Everywhere I went I kept hearing and seeing the word “Courage.”
Finally I read an article about the organization and wrote a letter to the national office. I received a
package of materials and read them before going to sleep at night. I received great consolation and
peace when I did this.
The upcoming conference was in the Bronx that year, and I was afraid to go. Every time I pondered
whether or not to go to the Courage conference a song came on that I heard at no other
time. It spoke to me so strongly that I knew God wanted me to be there. The song Youʼll Never
Know by Rachel Rachel told of a journey that promised healing and real self-knowledge if only
I would take the risk and walk through my fears.
It was so moving to see God working to bring me to that conference and into the heart of Courage.
I decided to obey God and attend. I got the “courage” to go to Courage. At that first conference I met
others who struggled like me, and I finally felt home. I began attending meetings inNYC where I
was the “token girl” for awhile.
I felt warmly welcomed by my new brothers and began making friends. I looked at the twelve-
steps in a new way, humbly and deeply realizing my need for a Savior. Later, I began meeting
with other female members, and we restarted a womenʼs group. Through Courage, I have
learned the importance of service to others.
When I first came to Courage, I was not seeking orientation change, and it was assumed that after a
certain age this was not likely. But I was happy to have group support for my single chaste life.
I began to socialize with members and build closer friendships. The SSA feelings became manageable.
I began to seek prayer for inner healing and started investigating the roots, or possible roots,
of my SSA. At the advice of one of the EnCourage members, I started spending time with Jesus
in the Blessed Sacrament. I remember simply sitting and saying, “Okay Lord, I am here for my
radiation treatment.”
I was bringing memories and past events to Jesus and going through aprocess of forgiveness and
letting go.
Somewhere along the way I was very surprised when I noticed feelings of attraction for one of
the male members with whom I had become close friends. While I still experienced SSA feelings for
some time, eventually my SSA feelings faded and have not returned.
This male friend and I dated for two years.
Strangely, becoming close with a man did not feel foreign and strange. In this friendship I
learned to be more human and vulnerable, and I saw how controlling I could be. It was the first
time in my life that I dreamed of marriage and children.
There were many ups and downs, and after two years we broke up. He is still my closest friend. I
did, however, go through a very long period of grief and depression as a result of the breakup.
Growing up I had never thought I would get married, so I gravitated toward being a single woman
who would live for the Lord. Now, however, dating had given me new hope for marriage,
even if only temporarily.
It took me a long time to return to understanding Godʼs call for my life. Now I feel free from that
loss and see myself as happy to use my single freedom to serve God. I feel a call to serve the
Lord in Courage. Iʼm not sure what the future holds, but I know Him who holds my future, and
He is trustworthy. Iʼm grateful to Courage and EnCourage for gracing me on this path with the
tools to live a chaste, happy life.
More than anything else received, my greatest blessing is knowing how much I need God and
his people. I am not alone anymore!
©
2013 Courage International, Inc.